Things I've been realizing...

I know people have always told me that everyone was once a kid, but never before has it really hit home. You could even say that because of my distance with anyone older than my parents, I have felt different and detached from older people. It has only been recently that I have figured out that everyone is just an older me; an older person still trying to live their life. Of course people are in different stages of their life and that causes them to talk, worry, and perhaps even wonder about different things, but all in all we are just finding our own way through the world and trying to find the necessary things like love, a home, friends, a family, and your god; the things that you are supposed to always count on and the things that will hopefully grow larger in your heart. I feel like I'm being too weird and mushy, but then again I'm not even writing this and my brain has no say in the key I'm pressing but my heart yearns to write so I'm letting that beaten little organ of mine have a chance to speak up.

So yeah, we are all here trying to fit in and now I'm just so curious about other people's lives. I used to think everyone was so different and have always been in places where if you don't talk or act the same way, you don't even notice each other, but lately I've been noticing. I am now one of those people that could sit on a subway all day and be totally content watching other people's lives and listening to them and talking to them. The strangest part of this all is that I am the worst person it seems to want to get closer to other people, who you might even call strangers, because I am the girl in high school who sat in the classroom and would watch other people and not talk. I have big beautiful hungry eyes, but they are all I have. My mouth compared to them is thin and chapped and silent as night. Have you ever wanted something really badly that contradicts who you have become? It isn't a good feeling. It makes you want to either start over or become something different, but how? To me it seems about as easy as breaking down my DNA. I will see though...maybe I will just have to try harder and force myself to open up. I have had a few breaking points, where I actually was able to open up to a complete stranger with success, and most of them are my friends. I have a feeling thought that these people that I have talked to...that somehow, deep down or subconsciously, I knew that I could befriend them. Is this strange? I can just tell by their face and their eyes that they are people I can trust and like. Something my conscious self doesn't understand, but only recognizes. It is strange how that works.

So on an earlier note, my realization of people's equality or even humanity has happened over time and I can't seem to pinpoint it's exact time in my past, in fact I am positive there is still more to come, but as I let my heart go I know it must have been a really slow process. Over time I have come to have more patience with people (my sister might disagree with me, but that's what they do right?). I have not only noticed this, but I have wondered where it emerged from. Was it time? maturity? I don't know, but I have a hunch and I believe it has to do with this understanding that I so recently realized I had. The deep and true understanding that people are who they were brought up and have grown to be, and that I should not only respect who they are (no matter how hard), but love them for who they are. Now I'm not talking complete strangers here! OBVIOUSLY you have no idea who they are! But anyone that you care about that can drive you bonkers at times (that knows how to drive you insane by asking one question or one thing that you may find to be so repulsive you are suddenly filled with anger towards this person, yet you have no idea were it sprung from). I have learned that normally (this person knows you too well and is trying to get attention no matter if it is positive or negative and to give them a break) just the knowledge of knowing that this person loves me and cares about me no matter what happens, even if they never say it (I can sense these things through there actions), and these thoughts of them alone make whatever they are doing seem, if not almost praise, then definitely a laughing matter.

When I think of people, things such as all the rare and different (maybe even frightening) laughs that we have shared over silly things, their smiles about sometimes something as simple as seeing me again, the way their eyes light up at a good news, and sometimes even that just really good feeling inside where you feel like you know you belong somewhere and you know a few people who feel the same way about you. So all good things right? I mean don't get me wrong (I mean I am no saint), there are bad times, it's just when I think of people, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and be optimistic. I mean wouldn't I do the same for myself? I'm human and we are all just trying our best, are we not? (except those lazy ones...just kidding)

There is just one other thing that I have realized lately...People talk a lot about nothing. It seems like we talk 50% about what we were doing, are doing, or going to do, 38% how we feel about what we are doing, 10% about worldy problems and how we feel about those, and the last 2% (the most important) how we feel about life and who we are(and for most people this is at church). Now I'm not saying all people or most people even, but this seems to be how the people in my life are. Is is so selfish to talk about yourself and instead about what your doing...why your doing it...Or instead of saying that you are feeling this way...why you are feeling it...Why is so powerful and probably the only question that separates humans from zombies. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting next to my family and I don't know why...like I have this moment where I don't know who they are or what they want or sometimes even what they have been doing with themselves while I have been away. But I think I have been getting better. It feels good to talk about things that matter. Such as this blog, that I should say goodnight to. So goodnight blog. Goodnight mom (lost track of time?), a little late huh? ooops.
My quote for tonight that was inspired and created by myself only a second ago...
"There is always a sunrise somewhere around the world, it just may involve a little chasing after..."
Autumn Smile