Smart Epiphany

Today I worked with my mom in the little, homey kitchen at her work. We were sharing our knowledge and love for raw food with all the people who were interested.

During this time, my mom repeatedly would ask me about something she misplaced. Half the time I wouldn't know and would reply "No idea." She would find it not too much longer saying how she was trying to make it easier on herself by using her intelligence and putting it an better or more easily accessible spot, but she kept forgetting that she was trying to make it easier on herself. I kept telling her "You keep forgetting how smart you are." It was a fun day. =P

The past few days though, I have been having internal issues. I can feel it brewing in my chest...all the emotions and feelings (part of the reason why I decided to haul out the old keyboard). It has to do with Kyle, I know it does. Mostly, I think. Ha. I haven't gotten to talk about it at all, with Kyle, Aubrie, Mom, no one. No one even really knows that I'm upset (what else is new?). Hopefully tonight will be the night.

But, my point is that I think I was upset about how things went the other day. I was really easily frustrated the other day, and I tend to get upset on days like that. Thinking about it upsets me. I guess I try and push all the gritty stuff out of my head (repressed memories) so that I don't have to deal with them. But, again, that point of this being that I was feeling so upset with Kyle that I didn't even really care to talk to him and I was trying to busy myself with anything else. Kind of a not caring procrastination towards our relationship. Ouch.

So, while procrastination tonight continued towards my homework, I was on Myspace and I came across my sister's latest rambling message about how she feels, which are always fun to read. This time, it was also a smack in the face. A revelation. I message that I already had heard, and had been trying to follow; I thought I was, but as I read her message...everything became really clear. I realized that Kyle loves me, and I love him. I realize that the other day...I can't blame on him. I'm the one in control of my happiness, and if I didn't want what happened...I could have stopped it. That if every minute I aim to make myself happy, I will be happy. And, I was happy that moment...I was just over analyzing and comparing and judging...and none of those verbs has anything to do with love or happiness. And at the beginning of this message, before I realized this great truth, I didn't really like what happened, but now I embrace it. I accept it. I love it. Bunches and bunches. I'm enlightened. again. I knew this already...I just forgot to apply it. In other words, "I forgot how smart I was."

And there are clues everywhere! I look down and there is a little quote I saved from a few months ago: "Your the greatest strength is love." I went to sleep in a shirt yesterday that I made...it says "Embrace Life." I'm honestly happy to be living. I love my life...because it is what I have and I want to embrace it and never take anything for granted. I just forget that sometimes. Probably more than I realize. I'm trying though. It isn't a first reaction to love everything. It's definitely not what this world teaches you. I'm trying to create my own happy world.

So:

Love and embrace everthing in your life

Never take anything for granted

Always aim to make YOURSELF happy...because, no matter what, THAT is the person you are going to be living with for the rest of your life.