Smart Epiphany

Today I worked with my mom in the little, homey kitchen at her work. We were sharing our knowledge and love for raw food with all the people who were interested.

During this time, my mom repeatedly would ask me about something she misplaced. Half the time I wouldn't know and would reply "No idea." She would find it not too much longer saying how she was trying to make it easier on herself by using her intelligence and putting it an better or more easily accessible spot, but she kept forgetting that she was trying to make it easier on herself. I kept telling her "You keep forgetting how smart you are." It was a fun day. =P

The past few days though, I have been having internal issues. I can feel it brewing in my chest...all the emotions and feelings (part of the reason why I decided to haul out the old keyboard). It has to do with Kyle, I know it does. Mostly, I think. Ha. I haven't gotten to talk about it at all, with Kyle, Aubrie, Mom, no one. No one even really knows that I'm upset (what else is new?). Hopefully tonight will be the night.

But, my point is that I think I was upset about how things went the other day. I was really easily frustrated the other day, and I tend to get upset on days like that. Thinking about it upsets me. I guess I try and push all the gritty stuff out of my head (repressed memories) so that I don't have to deal with them. But, again, that point of this being that I was feeling so upset with Kyle that I didn't even really care to talk to him and I was trying to busy myself with anything else. Kind of a not caring procrastination towards our relationship. Ouch.

So, while procrastination tonight continued towards my homework, I was on Myspace and I came across my sister's latest rambling message about how she feels, which are always fun to read. This time, it was also a smack in the face. A revelation. I message that I already had heard, and had been trying to follow; I thought I was, but as I read her message...everything became really clear. I realized that Kyle loves me, and I love him. I realize that the other day...I can't blame on him. I'm the one in control of my happiness, and if I didn't want what happened...I could have stopped it. That if every minute I aim to make myself happy, I will be happy. And, I was happy that moment...I was just over analyzing and comparing and judging...and none of those verbs has anything to do with love or happiness. And at the beginning of this message, before I realized this great truth, I didn't really like what happened, but now I embrace it. I accept it. I love it. Bunches and bunches. I'm enlightened. again. I knew this already...I just forgot to apply it. In other words, "I forgot how smart I was."

And there are clues everywhere! I look down and there is a little quote I saved from a few months ago: "Your the greatest strength is love." I went to sleep in a shirt yesterday that I made...it says "Embrace Life." I'm honestly happy to be living. I love my life...because it is what I have and I want to embrace it and never take anything for granted. I just forget that sometimes. Probably more than I realize. I'm trying though. It isn't a first reaction to love everything. It's definitely not what this world teaches you. I'm trying to create my own happy world.

So:

Love and embrace everthing in your life

Never take anything for granted

Always aim to make YOURSELF happy...because, no matter what, THAT is the person you are going to be living with for the rest of your life.

The pool, the paragraphs, and the selfless people...

I've been feeling the need to blog, to write, to free myself a little from an overflow of emotion and thought. Oh where to begin...
Somewhere...let's start somewhere. The pool. My new second home that's not a home...my work, my prison. Something happend the other day at the pool that seriously tested me. I got through it quite well for someone name Zoe Alicia Williams. Normally that girl doesn't know how to stick up for herself and face the issue, but that day she did...and resolved something that was very wrong without much worry, scars, or change.
I'm proud of myself...yet not. I should have acted earlier...but I keep telling myself that I didn't act too late, and acting at all is better than nothing. I wish I could elaborate more without breaking promises, but sadly I can not. The person who did the wrong, made me promise to keep the issue, which they are very embaressed and mentally upset about, under wraps. I figure this blog is more for me than any one else...and if one of the few people that do read this blog decide to ask me more about the issue...then maybe, but only if they have a REALLY good reason for needing to know. Now where to go from there...

Words. Words, and their effect, is where I will go next...I'm going to fill two paragraphs just filled with words and after you read them I dare you tell me that words can't hurt someone...words are our connection to the world and to other people, but words can hurt too...just like the world and other people can hurt. These "paragraphs" of words will make someone feel very different. Isn't that amazing? That meaningless letters can form into words....that form into meaning...that can create feelings inside of us. Isn't that amazing? I think so...

Expectation. Hate. Stupid. Torture. Pain. Hurt. Ugly. Mean. Hopeless. Useless. Retard. Broken. Burnt. Cripple. Angry. Used. Ass. Weak. Nerd. Fat. Poison. Kill. Separated. Dumb. Murder. Strangle. Beat. Spank. Tease. Violence. Charge. Selfish. Used. Raped. Whore. Shredded. Frown. Scared. Demolished. Abused. Shoved. Suffocate. Hungry. Embaressed. Ignore. Yell. Slap. Scream. Push. Drag. Weep. Crushed. Thirsty. Tremble. Ache. Death. Fall. Alone. Suffer. Teased. Forced. Shot. Ruined. Lost. Confused. Drugged. Enemy. Choke. Wound. Empty. Nothing.


You can't be feeling too great after reading through those words...

But what about these?

Hope. Love. Warm. Comfort. Held. Soft. Supported. Truth. Safe. Free. Home. Beauty. Trust. Kind. Smart. Caring. Gentle. Sweet. Touch. Whole. Close. Smile. Happy. Capable. Together. Friends. Hug. Innocent. Adorable. Caress. Embrace. Enjoy. Cuddle. Baby. Giggle. Tender. Soar. Divine. Soothing. Filling. Greatful. Unconditional. Amazing. Gorgeous. Precious. Lovely. Merry. Jolly. Cute. Accepting. Everything.

Doesn't it make you wonder why it is easier to come up with words that make you feel awful than words that make you feel wonderful?
Just something to think about...

What makes someone feel so useless? Why do some people grow up feeling like such a burden to others when others grow up feeling like everyone else is a burden to them? It makes me sad to think about such selfless people.
Have you ever thought about the word selfless. I mean... useless has no use, careless has no cares, timeless is without time...so selfless must mean that they have no sense of self...can you imagine having no ego. No care about yourself except for maybe the preservation of your life only because other's around you might still want you around. Isn't that sad? It's pitiful. Full of pity. I want to take that person and tell them, "You make people around you happy all the time! You are a whole lot more important than you take yourself for! What are you thinking! You are meaningful to this world! And you know what?!?!?! Flies are even important on this world! Without flies this world would be a smellier place. Are you saying that you are even more insignificant than a house fly?!?!?! Is that what you are telling me? The people around you love you. They love you a lot! And how the FUCK (excuse my french) do you think you are going to be more important, more loved, more useful when you aren't in this world anymore...when you are nothing more than fertilizer...will you be useful then? HELL NO YOU WON'T!" *sigh*

Well...those are my thoughts for tonight. I have to do some more time tomorrow...a lot actually. Haven't had a full day in a while. So...oyasuminasai (goodnight). It feels pretty nice to let a little bit of that into the atmosphere. =)

I have a dream....to have a dream...

I want to go somewhere. I know there are better places than where I live. I see them in pictures and desktops all the time. I want to be there, or better, live there. I want to stand in one of those breathtaking valleys, on the edge of a lake surrounded by mountains, right next to a waterfall that is twenty times my size. I want be surrounded by beauty and not just dream about it all the time. There is too much to see and feel to just be stuck someplace for years and years. People say you have to be successful and know what you want to do for a job and be in school all the way into your twenties and to go through the same schedules and live the same day over and over just so that you have an income and be stuck in a house till you retire, and then when your old and regreting not having done anything with your life, you may try to do something you had been planning, but it would be more of a goodbye rather than a hello. I want to see other ways to live than this. I am happy I have the freedom to do so, but the way most people live creates so much pressure against what I want to do, that I am not sure it will happen. What will I do? How will I get there? What would I live on? How will I have money? Who will support my dream?

People these days believe that what I want is some kind of a dream, and maybe it is, but I want it to be my life. I want to go to cozy little coffe shops in the middle of a small town and observe people, and write about beauty, love, and life. I want to write poetry. I want to read at least a hundred books a year. I want to breath tons of fresh air. I want to visit the grand canyon. You know? Places that are just so untouched and beautiful and overwhelming that it brings tears to your eyes, and not because you spent a whole lifetime not knowing what you were missing. I want to listen to some of my favorite music while going of a road trip through the west coast. I want to get my hands dirty and maybe work on a farm. Keep a journal. Write everyday. Take some of these amazing photographs that I mentioned earlier. I could go on and on, but I can only do so much stuck where I am at the moment.

Again, what I want and who I am (not to mention how old and aware I am), conflicts with what I want. Very frusterating. But have to have dreams to get where and what you want. *sigh* And the journey is the best part right? Without the journey...what is the end? In any love story you read or watch in a movie...there has to be conflict and tension before there is true love, or it won't be that great of a love story, would it? So hopefully, all I need to worry about is the journey, and make sure I take the road I want, and it will just lead me to where I want to go.

Until then...I dream on!

Things I've been realizing...

I know people have always told me that everyone was once a kid, but never before has it really hit home. You could even say that because of my distance with anyone older than my parents, I have felt different and detached from older people. It has only been recently that I have figured out that everyone is just an older me; an older person still trying to live their life. Of course people are in different stages of their life and that causes them to talk, worry, and perhaps even wonder about different things, but all in all we are just finding our own way through the world and trying to find the necessary things like love, a home, friends, a family, and your god; the things that you are supposed to always count on and the things that will hopefully grow larger in your heart. I feel like I'm being too weird and mushy, but then again I'm not even writing this and my brain has no say in the key I'm pressing but my heart yearns to write so I'm letting that beaten little organ of mine have a chance to speak up.

So yeah, we are all here trying to fit in and now I'm just so curious about other people's lives. I used to think everyone was so different and have always been in places where if you don't talk or act the same way, you don't even notice each other, but lately I've been noticing. I am now one of those people that could sit on a subway all day and be totally content watching other people's lives and listening to them and talking to them. The strangest part of this all is that I am the worst person it seems to want to get closer to other people, who you might even call strangers, because I am the girl in high school who sat in the classroom and would watch other people and not talk. I have big beautiful hungry eyes, but they are all I have. My mouth compared to them is thin and chapped and silent as night. Have you ever wanted something really badly that contradicts who you have become? It isn't a good feeling. It makes you want to either start over or become something different, but how? To me it seems about as easy as breaking down my DNA. I will see though...maybe I will just have to try harder and force myself to open up. I have had a few breaking points, where I actually was able to open up to a complete stranger with success, and most of them are my friends. I have a feeling thought that these people that I have talked to...that somehow, deep down or subconsciously, I knew that I could befriend them. Is this strange? I can just tell by their face and their eyes that they are people I can trust and like. Something my conscious self doesn't understand, but only recognizes. It is strange how that works.

So on an earlier note, my realization of people's equality or even humanity has happened over time and I can't seem to pinpoint it's exact time in my past, in fact I am positive there is still more to come, but as I let my heart go I know it must have been a really slow process. Over time I have come to have more patience with people (my sister might disagree with me, but that's what they do right?). I have not only noticed this, but I have wondered where it emerged from. Was it time? maturity? I don't know, but I have a hunch and I believe it has to do with this understanding that I so recently realized I had. The deep and true understanding that people are who they were brought up and have grown to be, and that I should not only respect who they are (no matter how hard), but love them for who they are. Now I'm not talking complete strangers here! OBVIOUSLY you have no idea who they are! But anyone that you care about that can drive you bonkers at times (that knows how to drive you insane by asking one question or one thing that you may find to be so repulsive you are suddenly filled with anger towards this person, yet you have no idea were it sprung from). I have learned that normally (this person knows you too well and is trying to get attention no matter if it is positive or negative and to give them a break) just the knowledge of knowing that this person loves me and cares about me no matter what happens, even if they never say it (I can sense these things through there actions), and these thoughts of them alone make whatever they are doing seem, if not almost praise, then definitely a laughing matter.

When I think of people, things such as all the rare and different (maybe even frightening) laughs that we have shared over silly things, their smiles about sometimes something as simple as seeing me again, the way their eyes light up at a good news, and sometimes even that just really good feeling inside where you feel like you know you belong somewhere and you know a few people who feel the same way about you. So all good things right? I mean don't get me wrong (I mean I am no saint), there are bad times, it's just when I think of people, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and be optimistic. I mean wouldn't I do the same for myself? I'm human and we are all just trying our best, are we not? (except those lazy ones...just kidding)

There is just one other thing that I have realized lately...People talk a lot about nothing. It seems like we talk 50% about what we were doing, are doing, or going to do, 38% how we feel about what we are doing, 10% about worldy problems and how we feel about those, and the last 2% (the most important) how we feel about life and who we are(and for most people this is at church). Now I'm not saying all people or most people even, but this seems to be how the people in my life are. Is is so selfish to talk about yourself and instead about what your doing...why your doing it...Or instead of saying that you are feeling this way...why you are feeling it...Why is so powerful and probably the only question that separates humans from zombies. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting next to my family and I don't know why...like I have this moment where I don't know who they are or what they want or sometimes even what they have been doing with themselves while I have been away. But I think I have been getting better. It feels good to talk about things that matter. Such as this blog, that I should say goodnight to. So goodnight blog. Goodnight mom (lost track of time?), a little late huh? ooops.
My quote for tonight that was inspired and created by myself only a second ago...
"There is always a sunrise somewhere around the world, it just may involve a little chasing after..."
Autumn Smile